Things my brother emails to me, which he has written

I was walking on the beach with the Lord, looking at the steps of my life.

There were two sets of footprints for many miles.  Then we came to a time when I was low, and there was only one set of footprints.

“Lord,” I said, “why is it when things were at their worst, there is only one set of footprints?”

The Lord looked out to sea for a long time.  Then I asked him again, “Why did you leave me when I needed you most?”

“Oh, uh, something came up,” replied the Lord.

“Something…came up?”  I asked.

“Um, yeah.  It was only for a second,” he said.

“A second in God-time or in people-time?”

The Lord looked away and muttered, “Well, um, God-time, I guess.”

“So that’s…”

“…a while,” replied the Lord.  “Sorry.  Believe me, my son, it was something reeeelly important.  But you did great, without me.”  He looked suddenly to the land as a moment of concern flashed across his eyes.  He patted frantically at the front pockets of his rough-hewn robe, felt something there that caused relief to wash over him.  Then, satisfied, He swung His gaze back to me.  He put His massive hand on my shoulder.   “Plus, and not to be all ‘whatever’, but you kept just going on and on about…something.”

“Yeah, my wife left, I wrecked my car, I had a sore on my leg that turned septic…”  Suddenly I heard a rhythmic buzzing like a storm of bees humming, stopping, humming, stopping.

He fixed my eye for a moment, then apologetically moved His hand to the enormous hempen pocket.  He took out his Holy Blackberry, checked the screen and cackled.  “Facebook.  Sorry.  Gimme a sec.”  I stepped away while his gigantic glowing thumbs worked the buttons.  His chuckling bellowed across the dunes.

“Okay.  Come on back.  Sorry, we just have this thread going, it’s hilarious.”

“I’m sure,” I replied.

“You do those quizzes, ever?” asked the Almighty.

“No, I can’t, I can’t afford a computer, not with the medical bills, my insurance dropped me and…”

“Ohmigod, this last one?  ‘Which biblical character are you?’  Guess which one I got.   Go on, guess.”

“God?”  I offered.

“No, right?  That’s what I thought, too!  No, I got some random sheepherder I barely remember from like way ancient times.”

“My Lord….” I started.

“No, my bud Jason got that one.  Crazy, right?”

“Of the Argonauts?”

“What?  No,no…I think he’s from Irvine.”

A deep chiming sounded suddenly from all around, as if all of nature had become a singular bell.  Our eyes met and the Lord shifted nervously from one foot to the other.  “Go ahead,” I sighed.

“Yikes, sorry.  Lemmee just see who it is.”

The Lord looked at the screen of His Device, a moment of recognition passed across his wrinkled brow.  He smiled and punched the talk button.

“Heeeey!  What’s going on?   Look who learned to use the phone!  Yeah, no, I know, prayer is so, like…I’m not even checking that line anymore … What?  No, no, totally fine,”  He covered the massive obelisk with His palm and whispered, “Ack!  This is like the one call I have to take.  Figures, right?”  I looked Him in the eye and the Lord saw that I was growing irritated.  He said unto me, “Just take a sec, I promise.  Hey!  Whyn’t you go over there and think up some wishes?  And then we’ll do ‘em!  Many as you want.  Promise.”

I wandered to the landward dune while the Lord chatted and guffawed with his unseen disciple.  I looked over the sawgrass and the weathered wooden picket fence that lead to the celestial parking lot and thought of all the things that could be better about my life. I looked down and saw the one path of prints in the sand that led to where I was now.  At least, I mused, I had the Lord with me once again.  Who knows, I thought?  Maybe he’d even Friend me.

I turned and my eyes followed my footprints back to where He had stood with me only a moment ago.  I saw only the empty strand stretching out to eternity in both directions.  I had, it seemed, fallen for it again.

From the graying sky came the rumbling voice of the Lord, “Hah!  Omigod, you guys are out of control!”